Guidance for Having a Loved One in Addiction and How Grief Plays a Role in Recovery

Slate Recovery understands the complications that come with recovery and loving someone in active addiction. Their staff has a deep well of knowledge and experience with supporting not only the recovery journey, but the nuanced relationships that stem from that. The goal for everyone is peace and empowerment to live a better life.

Our office line is open for questions about what to do if your family member is struggling with addiction and how to help. 

Ray Wolber, Slate Recovery’s founder, interviews his staff therapists this summer to talk about addiction, treatment, and the support Slate Recovery offers.

Amy McClung, LACD/MH, is Slate Recovery’s therapist specializing in Grief, Resilient Grieving, and Motivational Interviewing.  

This week, she explains more about what role grief plays in the recovery process, and how to look for help when you’re loved on is struggling with addictions.

Amy is available to see patients in person at the Slate Recovery Offices in Oklahoma City, OK and virtually throughout the state of Oklahoma.

For individuals or families concerned about substance use, what are some early signs of addiction or mental health challenges that shouldn’t be ignored?

Amy: People tend to wait for a “rock bottom” moment, but the early signs are usually quieter and easier to miss if you’re not looking closely. You’ll often see shifts in behavior before anything else. Someone who was consistent starts canceling plans, showing up late, or withdrawing. Their priorities subtly change. Work, school, or family responsibilities start slipping.

Emotionally, look for increased irritability, defensiveness, or mood swings that don’t quite match the situation. Anxiety and depression can show up as restlessness, lack of motivation, or just seeming “off”.

The first 90 days of recovery can be especially challenging. What are some common pitfalls people should be aware of during that early stage?

Amy: Try to not be too confident, too early in recovery. People start feeling physically better and think they’ve got it handled. That’s when they loosen structure, skip meetings, or stop therapy. That’s risky.

Beware of isolating. Recovery does not occur in isolation. Connection is what is needed in this early stage, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Once substances are removed, everything they were numbing comes back. Anxiety, grief, anger. If they don’t have tools to manage that, relapse becomes a quick escape. It might be discovered that the substance was not the core problem, and that core problem comes to light and will need to be addressed. 

Replacing one addiction with another is fairly common in early recovery. This can look like overworking, overeating, unhealthy relationships, or even excessive exercise. The behavior changes, but the underlying pattern stays.

How can loved ones best support someone in early recovery while still maintaining healthy boundaries?

Amy: Consistency is key and staying true to what you say your boundaries are. If you set a boundary, keep it. That builds trust over time. Remember that recovery is their responsibility and it is not yours to carry. Allow for consequences to happen, that is often what can drive change. Ensure that you communicate clearly and calmly, be direct and assertive. And, take care of yourself, practice self care.

You specialize in grief counseling, how does grief typically present in individuals, especially when it may not be immediately recognized as grief?

Amy: Grief doesn’t always look like sadness. Grief can and does show up in other ways, such as, irritability/anger, numbness or emotional shutdown, anxiety or constant restlessness, difficulty concentrating, changes in sleep or appetite, or a loss of identity or purpose. 

Many people don’t recognize that grief is what they are feeling/going through. Many may write it off as feeling really stressed or ‘just off’ lately. 

Remember, grief is not just for death. It can be loss of a relationship, a role, health, stability, or even the life someone thought they’d have.

In addiction work, unresolved grief is everywhere. It’s one of the most common drivers behind substance use.

What are some of the risks or long-term effects of suppressed or unresolved grief?

Amy: Unprocessed grief doesn’t go away, and in the long-term it can lead to: chronic depression or anxiety, substance use as a coping mechanism, emotional numbness or disconnection, physical health problems like fatigue, headaches, or immune problems, and difficulty forming or maintaining relationships.

In more severe cases, it can turn into complicated grief, where the person feels stuck and unable to move forward even years later.

The cost of avoiding grief is that it limits one’s ability to fully engage in life.

You’ve made a significant career transition from being a pastor to a clinical director and counselor. How can major life changes like that impact mental health, and what advice would you give to someone navigating a similar transition?

Amy: There are going to be some big identity shifts and it is good to be aware of what those might be before making the change. I didn’t just change my job/career. I changed how I see myself, how others see me, and my sense of purpose shifted. This can be accompanied by, identity confusion, self doubt or imposter syndrome, loss of a community or support systems, grief over the previous role, even if the change was positive.

My advice to someone navigating a role change like this is to expect discomfort, there will be moments of uncomfortability and feeling unsure and lacking confidence. It is natural to question if the change is the right thing to do. Stay true to yourself and your core values, that is your anchor through change. Be open to forming new communities. Last, give yourself permission to grieve what you left behind, even good changes come with loss.